


to be with you again

by Nikiforlove



Series: Yuri On Ice Oneshots [2]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Extremely graphic, M/M, Main Character Death, Memory Lane, Panic Attacks, Self Harm, but really sad memory lane????, good read if u want 2 cry tho, guys dont read if you have triggers, reminiscning, viktor is really sad and wants 2 be happy again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-18
Updated: 2017-01-18
Packaged: 2018-09-18 08:55:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9377561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nikiforlove/pseuds/Nikiforlove
Summary: Viktor remembered how he had spotted a branch of his favorite bakery across the street, profusely coaxing Yuuri to buy something from there. Yuuri laughed as Viktor dragged him by the hand towards the bakery, chuckling at his eagerness. When Viktor had reached the other side of the road, he turned back to look at Yuuri, still in the process of crossing.Viktor flinched as the deafening bus horn echoed through his memory.





	

**Author's Note:**

> please do not scroll any further if you have any triggers regarding suicide, self-harm, depression, death, and anxiety attacks.

Viktor gripped the wheel as he drove up a long, winding road up a mountain in solitude. He kept the windows open, feeling the raw wind blow past his face. All that could be heard was the engine humming steadily, and the sound of the wheels running through the rocky, unpaved path.

There seemed to be no end to the road he was on, but then again, he didn't really mind; all he needed was some time to be by himself. Viktor took a deep breath, shutting his eyes momentarily, then opening them again to look at the road.

He was just so _tired_ of it all. He sighed as he ran a hand through his hair, staring at the road in front of him. He pursed his lips as his mind flashed back to that night, that fateful night a week ago. He recalled Yuuri grasping his hand tight as he pulled him through the crowd, talking happily about a nice cafe he had recommended for dinner. He remembered being seated in one of the cafe's outdoor tables; every breath he made, making a white puff in the cold of winter. He'd never forget the way Yuuri's eyes gleamed with delight as he talked about the cafe's food, proud of his being a regular client. The way Yuuri let out a small moan of pleasure as he took a bite of the food was forever etched into Viktor's mind, as well as how he blushed furiously right after, desperately trying to cover his face with his hands. Viktor especially relished the memory of Yuuri smiling as his face was tinted pink, glowing in the gleam of the christmas lights and the starry sky.

Viktor smiled bitterly as he looked at the sky in front of him now, flicking his eyes to the side mirror, frowning slightly as he saw his worn out and puffy eyes being reflected back at him. Well, it wasn't that big of a surprise that they were still bloodshot.

The remembered how happy he had felt on that night when Yuuri himself called him and asked for them to meet up for a date, he still recalled how Yuuri's voice had trembled a bit as he stammered out the words to ask Viktor out, with it being the first time since last year's banquet in which Yuuri actually took the incentive to make the first move. He flashed back to how he startled a nearby flock of birds because of how loud he instantly shouted "Yes!" in response.

Ah, how euphoric he had felt.

The russian frowned as his phone suddenly rang, interrupting his train of thoughts. He realized he had over 20 unread messages, rolling his eyes as he set the phone on silent and tossed it back to the side. It was a rather chilly night, the cold wind leaving Viktor's face tinted pink as he looked wearily on the road.

He reminisced on their activities after dinner at the cafe, strolling by various stores, checking what they had on display, occasionally entering the store itself if they saw something interesting inside. They had mostly engaged in small talk the whole night long, exchanging stories and laughing happily together. He remembered how sweet Yuuri's laughter had been, leaving a soft and gentle feeling in Viktor's mind every time he heard it. He thought of the way Yuuri's eyes sparkled even though he was silent. God, Viktor absolutely loved those eyes. They were so gentle and kind, and he felt like he could stare into Yuuri's eyes for hours, if only he would let him. Despite their softness, his eyes always seemed to hold an amount of secrecy and promise, simply compelling Viktor all the more.

He recalled how Yuuri had suddenly stopped and dragged him to a jewelry store, all the while flushing furiously. Without warning, Yuuri purchased a gold ring, promptly leading Viktor to a secluded corner outside the shop afterwards. He remembered how Yuuri quivered as he took off Viktor's glove, gently slipping the ring on his finger. It felt like only yesterday when Viktor had smiled lovingly in response to Yuuri's actions, taking hold of the japanese man's right hand, relishing his astonished face as he blushed when Viktor slipped the other pair of the ring Yuuri had given him-- he had bought it earlier today, cautiously waiting for the chance to present it to him. It was so _goddamn perfect,_ everything was.

He flicked his eyes to the very ring, still around his right ring finger, shining as brightly as it had on the day that he had received it.

Then, he flashed back to how they continued on their date, hand in hand once more. Viktor remembered how he had spotted a branch of his favorite bakery across the street, profusely coaxing Yuuri to buy something from there. Yuuri laughed as Viktor dragged him by the hand towards the bakery, chuckling at his eagerness. When Viktor had reached the other side of the road, he turned back to look at Yuuri, still in the process of crossing.

Viktor flinched as the deafening bus horn echoed through his memory.

He had swore he saw Yuuri's face of laughter momentarily morph into a face of terror, eyes full of dread as time stood still. Unfortunately, time could not stop forever as the bus rammed into Yuuri's body, their hands breaking apart. Viktor's breath hitched as he recalled the feeling of emptiness he felt when Yuuri's hand slipped away, a loud and vicious crash accompanying the sudden impact. The russian started hyperventilating slightly as he remembered the smell of blood wafting through his nose on that cataclysmic night.

The face of the man he once loved was unrecognizable, his body mangled and bloody, but Viktor was fully and achingly aware that it was Yuuri, because the eyes he had once adored still remained the same-- gold flecks sparkling ever so subtly, the shade of brown still so captivatingly beautiful, and yet, they were void of all the light that they used to contain. Viktor felt tears well up in the corner of his eyes as he remembered how his eyes darted to Yuuri's lifeless hand on the road, despite it being bathed in blood, the gold of his ring gleamed mercilessly underneath the street lights.

He thought back to how he had stood there on the sidewalk, his hand still outstretched into the street, as if Yuuri had still been grasping it. He couldn't move from his spot, though he was painfully aware of the tears cascading down his face; his look at that moment was a look of terror and shock, knees trembling as he felt sharp pangs attack his heart relentlessly. Soon enough, he let out an animalistic scream, falling down onto the floor, choking on air. He couldn't bear to even turn his gaze towards the road, the road in which everything had stopped, the road in which all the cars had stopped, in which all the bystanders stood still. The road which a certain sense of peril resided. He couldn't handle it. He couldn't.

Yuuri was gone.

Viktor snapped out of his flashback, noticing the tears that were falling down yet again. His breath was short and ragged, feeling cold sweat form as his whole body quivered in the driver's seat. His hand was gripping the wheel tightly, eyes flicking to the gold ring yet again. Then his memory flashed to the bloodied hand, bearing the same ring. He cut the thought off, his gaze shifting from the ring to his hand. It looked terrible, filled with cuts and bruises that he had afflicted onto himself throughout the week because of the guilt and trauma. Viktor didn't regret it, the pain had been soothing-- well, it had helped. The pain from slitting his arms had stopped himself from shaking uncontrollably, it made his heart beat slower as he lay on his bed, crying himself to sleep every night, his own blood smeared all over his sheets. He understood that it was because of the blood loss that he had been able to calm down, but... it worked.

God, he missed Yuuri. The mountain trail he was on was a place frequented by him and Yuuri for dates, whether it was hiking or a car drive, they both had a lot of memories in this place. It tore Viktor apart, having all the happy memories come flooding in, despite when he looked to the passenger's seat, Yuuri wasn't there. At this point, he couldn't think straight, hands trembling as they rest on the wheel, breaths sharp and ragged, and the liquid that wouldn't quit falling down his face didn't help. Without his consent, his mind kept flashing back to Yuuri's deceased and limp body laying on the road, glasses lay crushed to smithereens. The red liquid which had been pooling on the road slowly trickled towards him, the scent of death lingering until now. It had been so unreal, he couldn't grasp the mentality that the man he had just been loving a few moments ago was now simply beautiful roadkill, and it was his fault. If he hadn't pestered Yuuri to buy something from that goddamn bakery across the street, perhaps he would be driving up the road with him by his side, laughing the laugh that Viktor missed the most. He was a mess by now, currently having a panic attack while inside the moving vehicle. Somewhere deep down, he knew that it was common sense to pull over and call for medical assistance, but despite how broken he was, he slammed his foot on the gas harder, knowing some kind of peace was waiting for him at the end of the road.

Running his hand through his hair, he spotted the cliff. The cliff in which Yuuri and Viktor had watched countless of sunsets and sunrises together, weather be damned. The cliff side in which Yuuri had first confessed, the place where they held each other's hands and talked during night or day, the place in which they cuddled together when it was cold, the place that they loved the most.

Soon enough, it was going to be the place where Viktor made a big decision.

Viktor laughed softly as he hung his head back, forcing the tears back in-- trying to. He shivered as he eased his hands off the driving wheel, yet continuing to hold the gas in place. His purpose was gone without Yuuri, his 'L' words were now meaningless without the man who gave it to him, his reason to get out of bed in the morning was dead. Perhaps he would meet Yuuri beyond the cliff, perhaps he would once again be able to touch his skin, perhaps he would be able to love again. Perhaps he would be able to stare into those gentle and kind orbs of his, listening to his melodious laugh as he would be able to relish his being once again. Maybe he'd be able to see him skate again, maybe he'd be able to eat Katsudon with him, maybe he'd be able to kiss him one last time. Perhaps he could slick back his fluffy hair once more, perhaps he would be able to get into arguments with him again, perhaps he would be able to... able to be with the man who had captured his heart the moment he set his eyes on him, even if it were only for a fleeting moment.

It was a risky gamble, and he took it by the reign.

He clapped both his hands over his face, not daring to take a peek at the cliff that he was nearing. He sobbed out loud, screaming in agony as he bunched his hands in his hair, biting his lip until he tasted blood. Choking on cries and tears, he let out a strangled cry.

Then, he felt the car tip over, feeling the corner of his mouth twitch as he waited for the peace he was about to be granted.

 

* * *

 

_BREAKING NEWS: NIKIFOROV'S DEATH FOLLOWS AFTER KATSUKI'S ACCIDENT, BODY FOUND ON BASE OF HASETSU MOUNTAIN BENEATH CAR RUBBLE._


End file.
